Recapping 2018 and looking ahead to 2019
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Out with the OLD: 2018
I need to just get real with y’all about the emotions that have been going on for me the last bit of 2018. I’ve been MIA for a while and that’s because real life has been brutal, at least emotionally. I think getting it out will be healing for me, but feel free to skip if it’s just too much for y’all.
I was riding a high when I hit the summer of 2018. Weight loss had been good, the school year was over, I was hitting fitness goals, my mom had moved out, finances were looking okay… and basically, I crashed. I was flying high and BAM! Crash.
Where did it start? I don’t know exactly. I had surgery July 25th and removed all that skin. Recovery was hard and getting back to work was even harder thanks to our new principal. He was/is such an ASS. I was tired and struggling to get everything I needed to done because of recovering and he scheduled our every working minute. He had us in USELESS trainings and meetings for all but 4 hours prior to the first day of school. I didn’t get a day off for 25 days thanks to that relentless schedule, since I had to work weekends to get ready for my class. And this was less than a month after major surgery.
Needless to say, I needed more support than my new boss was giving me. I had made my plans when I had a different, far more supportive principal. And I was less than happy about it and did a shit job of pretending to be happy. Which pissed him off. I – along with my team – did not pander to him. We know we’re damn good teachers. And we know he’s an ass. So we didn’t do what every other woman on that campus seemed to be doing and stroke his ego. He didn’t like that. Would it have been perhaps smarter or easier to do that? Maybe, but I refuse to make another man feel superior to me just because he is/has a dick. Because that is his only credential, let me tell you.
Anyway, second day of school he says he needs to see me and he tells me that his boss saw me yelling at a kid and I needed to reflect on that. Really?! REALLY?! Has he – or his boss – taught Kindergarten on the first day of school? I should have been getting praised for how well my kids were already doing, not getting reamed for yelling (Which, BTW I do not do and did not do – I did raise my voice in an effort to communicate to a kid in my class who is hard of hearing). He knows nothing about supporting teachers. Anyway that was the tone of start of my year. I was told on other occasions that I was stuck up, unapproachable and thought I had nothing to learn. My team was told we were the worst team on campus. Basically I went to work to get torn down day after day after day.
Since then we’ve gotten a new principal, which is in many ways a relief. She’s more supportive and doesn’t tear down. But she has added morning duty to our routines and she can’t seem to make up her mind about what she wants, though she does want the exact same schedule and lessons for all of our Kinder classes – which is HELL and impossible and does not meet the needs of our kids at all. I can’t figure out if I’m coming or going half the time… and when I do figure it out, I discover that I have to break the rules to do what’s right for my class. So STRESS.
Meanwhile, in my home life things were not great either. My husband has been my rock through everything, and for that I am incredibly thankful. But as I recovered and tried to get used to my new body I’ve struggled with major swings in body image. One day I’m feeling confident and proud of the changes, the next, I’m facing major body dismorphia and can only see how fat I am and how much weight I still need to lose (in my legs). The next I’m hating my flat chest and flat ass. The next I love my arms. As someone who has lost of 300 pounds I know I should just be thankful, but I struggle and mostly with the fact that I have not yet reached my goal weight of 199 pounds. Yes, I just want to be in the 100s and I can’t seem to get there. And I hate myself for it.
And the BIGGEST reason I had this surgery was because I want children. Badly. And supposedly the weight loss and change in hormones results in high fertility. I’ve watched as people who are taking birth control get pregnant months before they’re supposed to. Well, I waited the year that I was supposed to wait, being careful to use birth control methods that wouldn’t impact future efforts. And yeah, I really thought it would happen for us. But we’ve now been actively trying for 4 months (after a previous 8 years of trying and giving up until after weight loss) and still nothing. I realize it’s quite early to be so upset about it, but I’m 35 in June and I’m starting to think I’m not going to be lucky enough to have kids.
Which wouldn’t be so bad — I mean, I did help raise my stepson since he was 4 years old, right? Well he graduated in May and this summer it’s like a switch went off and we’re no longer family. We went from family vacations with his family and ours to not even being told when they would be going so we wouldn’t come over to see him and find out they’re out of town. After my surgery, I heard from almost perfect strangers to check up on me, but not a word from him or his family. Things have been very strained and since my ENTIRE holiday experiences have been with them (I was raised Jehovah’s Witness and never had holidays until meeting my husband) this holiday season has felt really sad and depressing. It’s like, you thought you mattered, but jokes on you… you don’t. At all.
And on top of all that, things have been awful with me and my mom. We’ve always had a difficult relationship, but she’s been dating a real loser and it’s brought out her mean side. Last COYER twitter party I was in the middle of hosting and Michelle had to take over because my mom was sending me mean nasty text after mean nasty text and I couldn’t keep from just falling apart and sobbing.
And all of these things have resulted in poor eating choices, lots of drinking, less working out — a recipe for disaster for someone who just lost a shit ton of weight. By some miracle I’ve managed to keep from doing so badly that I gain weight, but I also haven’t lost for like 5 months either. And I’m TERRIFIED of fucking up all this hard work.
So yeah, I’ve been an emotional basket case and that’s why you haven’t heard from me much these past few months.
In with the NEW: 2019
All that is to let you know where I’m at – and to explain why my number 1 goal for 2019 is self-care. I have got to take care of myself before I fall apart anymore. I’ve started seeing a health coach and a therapist. I’m starting antidepressants. I’m actively looking for a new school for the 2019-2020 school year. And so, that’s what you’re probably going to see a lot more on the blog from me. Reading is part of my self-care, it’s how I unwind. So I’ll still be talking books. But I’ll also be talking emotional health, family, and fitness. I let taking care of myself get subsumed in all the things I was doing and people I was taking care of in 2018, so this year I’m really working hard to put me first. Which is so hard for me to even say, as I don’t even want to be selfish. But if I can’t love myself and take care of myself, how in the hell am I going to be any good to anyone, right?
So… Happy New HEALTHY New Year 🙂
Posts in November and December
How do you practice self-care? Any goals for doing more self-care in 2019?
Thanks for stopping by to Check out my recap of 2018 and what’s to come in 2019
Have a great day and Happy Reading!